Sleepless nights.

"What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near?"


These lyrics from the song "Blessings" by Laura Story have been running through my mind quite a bit as of late.

The last week or so has been quite interesting for me. I have lost my appetite for food. (some of which is due to the choices available here at school, but mostly my stomach just doesn't want me to feed it.) I also have lost my ability to sleep. Okay...maybe that's a little extreme...but really, I have not been sleeping well at all. I've gone to bed at a plenty decent hour numerous nights, but no matter what time I go to sleep, I wake up about 5 or so hours later and lie there for at least an hour before I can doze off again. Now during these many hours I have spent just lying in bed (too tired to do anything, yet unable to sleep), I have had lots of time to think and pray.

My first reaction to my situation is naturally to complain. "THIS SUCKS!"

But gently, God keeps reminding me of the verse in 2 Corinthians that says,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Now for many people, not sleeping wouldn't seem like that big of deal. However, anyone who knows me well knows that I NEED my sleep. If I don't get enough, I get cranky, stressed, and usually end up sick.  But for whatever reason, God is choosing to take away my control of this area. I can no longer choose how much sleep I get. I'm being forced to rely on Him for my strength, but the truth is that His strength is far better than my strength, so why do I complain?


"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

GOD.IS.GOOD.

Tonight I was randomly looking at old messages and chat history on Facebook (because you can awesomely look at really old messages now), and I came across a conversation with a friend from about three years ago that reminded me of how good God is.
Three years ago...
I was going to community college, unsure of whether I would transfer or not.
I had no job.
I had very little ambition or vision for my future.
I lived for daily online chats and texting conversations.
I wasn't alive!
Today I am a senior at Spring Arbor University, looking to graduate in Spring of 2013 with a teaching degree, certified to teach both math and biology at the secondary level.
Now I'm not trying to imply that a degree is everything--certainly not!
My point is rather that I now have a calling and a passion that I didn't have before.
I have an amazing, daily relationship with God. (I'm constantly learning more about what this really looks like/should look like.)
I'm stoked for my future, but I'm also really excited to just live life right now.
I could go on and on about all the differences between my life now and my life three years ago, but basically I'm just in awe of the goodness and faithfulness of God.
He has used some really tough times to turn my heart around and draw me closer to Him and into such a better, more full life.
I never realized back then how dead I was. Looking back and reading my messages made me realize that I wasn't really living three years ago.
But I am now.
Jesus is my everything, and I'm STOKED to see where else He takes me and what else He has for me.


Proverbs 3:5-6


.

There is a Redeemer.

Choices. 
We face them every day. No, every minute of every day.  
You start your day by choosing  to get out of bed.  Some days this is easier than others. 
Then you choose whether or not you shower; you choose whether or not to eat breakfast and what that breakfast might be. 
You choose to go to work or school--or choose not to. 
You choose to talk to that person about that thing--or not to. 
You choose to see the bright side of things--or to see the negative. 


Sometimes trials come your way that seem too heavy to bear.  Yet, you choose how to deal with it. 
Some choose to distract themselves. 
Some choose to just give up.
Others choose to seek a solution to their problems. 
Some of those people end up finding what everyone everywhere truly desires: LOVE. 

Now I'm not talking about lust. Not sex. I'm talking true, genuine, pure love. 
Unconditional acceptance. 
Purpose. 
We all long to be desired, but does that kind of love actually exist?
Again, I'm not talking about desire in the sexual sense. I'm talking about wanting someone to desire us--our true selves.  Why is it that it seems like every heroine of every good chick flick has some strange quirk about her that some handsome man falls in love with? It's because we write stories that we wish were real life. We want someone to find our whole being lovable--quirks, faults, and all. 
This is where the good news comes in. The good news is that that love DOES exist. And better yet, it comes from the greatest source possible.
God, the Creator of the vast universe and of each intricate aspect of each one of us, desires each of us just as we are--quirks, faults, and all.  
He loves us enough to lead us along in life until we reach that point of utter brokenness and surrender.  
He loves us enough to even let us hate Him at times because He knows the end of the story. He knows that maybe a broken heart is just what we need to see how much we need Him.  That's when we choose Him. 
That's when we invite Him in. 
He doesn't do this because He's selfish. 
He does this because He knows that we have no chance of Life outside of Him. 


He IS Life. 


But in order for Him to impart that to us, we have to choose to walk with Him. This choice is the most important one we will ever make. It sounds easy enough, yet it is so difficult. It's difficult because it's not just one choice. It's a choice that consists of hundreds of little choices along the way each and every day.
In order to make these choices, we have to understand His love enough to want Him. 


Many people like to question this Love by saying, "If God really loved us, the world wouldn't be so screwed up."
However, if things were all "la-di-da" all the time, when would we ever feel like seeking something greater? 
A bigger purpose? 
A better Love? 
Everyone always asks "why do bad things happen?" 
I believe the answer is simple: for His glory because He is Love. 
Although I don't pretend to understand some of the things that go on in this dark world, I know God well enough to know His plan is best. Period. 
Ecclesiastes says chapter 3 that there is a time for everything under heaven. It also says in verse 11 of that chapter that 
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." 
We cannot even begin to imagine the end of the story--what the picture of the world from start to finish will look like. 
But I know it's beautiful. 
I know that God, who is the definition of Love, is going to redeem it all. 
I know this because of the Resurrection of His son, Jesus Christ. Christ being murdered was the devil's greatest plan...after all, what would be better for him than to kill God Himself?
But the devil's greatest plan was redeemed by God into His greatest plan: the plan for salvation of the whole human race from the devil's schemes.
God is The Redeemer--the ultimate Redeemer.  
He wants to redeem you and your life.
Will you let him?
Even if you already have accepted Him, letting Him invade your life is a daily choice.
This is the choice we all have to make.


Invite Him in. Let Him change you. 
You won't regret it. 






.

Counting the days.

In exactly 4 weeks I will be back in Michigan for the school year. The truth is: I CAN'T WAIT! My question is, why? Everyone always counts the days until summer, but I've been counting the days until school starts again. It's strange how you can spend your entire life in one place and yet feel homesick for elsewhere.

Sure, I will always love Santa Cruz. After all, I spent my entire childhood here. Also, this summer has been rather fantastic when I think about it.
I got to spend a whole month in Thailand with amazing people serving my Awesome God;
I got to spend almost a week in the mountains with my family;
and I get to spend the rest of my summer working by the beach full time.
Wow, it actually sounds like an amazing summer, so why am I not content with the way things are?
Maybe I just have had the wrong perspective on things. No, not maybe...I know I have.
I'll admit I have not had the best week in the world, but it's because I keep seeing all the things wrong--in myself, my family, my coworkers, my friends, and just my life in general.
I don't like drowning in negativity, yet I keep finding myself sinking into it again.  But that's not how we were meant to live.
I know God has so much better for us.
I know that God is good and is in control, so why is it I don't spend all my time focusing on that?
I know the end of the story, so why am I so concerned with details?

So as I begin my final month in California, my prayer is for a brighter outlook, a more joyful spirit, and a more thankful heart.



"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18



.

Pride vs. Love

"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud." Proverbs 16:18-19


It's amazing how true this verse is...well..not really considering it's the BIBLE. What I mean is that it's amazing how a word as simple as pride can mean so much and ruin everything. It's what keeps broken relationships from being mended, and also what breaks them in the first place. I'll be the first to admit, I'm guilty of it; but at least it's within my power to fight against it with everything I have.  Unfortunately that's not the case with other's.  I have to just sit and watch as someone begins to break up a family due to their stupid, selfish, pride. I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish everyone could see how evil their own ego's are. If everyone would just prefer others over themselves, there would be a whole lot less hurt in this world. That's what true Christianity is all about--loving others as yourself in addition to loving God because He first loved us. It's that simple. You can discuss your theology all you want, but mending brokenness is what really matters. Saving lives from hell--and I'm not talking about the traditional fire and brimstone stuff; I'm talking about hell on earth--the hell that results from selfishness, pride, envy, hate, etc.
You can say you don't believe in Christ's love, but if we don't have that hope, then what do we have? Even if everything about Jesus were a bunch of B.S., I'd rather stake my life on the power of His name, rather than dwell in the hopeless misery that this world has to offer.  And the best part is, He's NOT B.S. He's as real as anything. He's Truth itself. He IS.

So although the sin of man and the work of the enemy can cause a mess and get me a bit discouraged at times, I am reminded that my God is bigger than all this. My God is the one who made everything, and He is in control no matter what. God is the Creator. All the devil can do is try to mess with God's creation. I know the end of the story, so why do I fear the suspense in between?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" 1 Corinthians 13:4-7


It sure talks a lot about what love is not, right? Funny thing about that, all those things it says that love is not are precisely the things that tear our world apart. But of course this is true because as John said,


"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1John 4:8


It's those who do not know God who are tearing the world apart--even those who claim to know Him, if they are not loving, they don't really know Him.



.

Faith is a gift, not a responsibility.

Among Christian circles, I often hear people saying that we need to "have more faith", which is a very true conclusion.  However, I think all too often we take it upon ourselves to somehow imagine that we believe something that we really don't. The truth is, faith is just one more thing, like everything else, that we can't do on our own.  It says in Hebrews that, "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (NASB)

That assurance is not something we can obtain by our own strength. God really showed me during my time in Thailand that faith is a gift. At the beginning of the month, I asked Him for more faith although I was quite unsure what His answer to that would look/feel like. But as always, He was so faithful. I found myself having that assurance for things--that complete conviction of things I can't see. The gift of faith makes trusting so much easier.  Trusting God is so much simpler when I am convinced of things outside of my 5 senses--things I only can know by the Spirit. 

So I challenge you to ask big. Ask God for faith like you've never had before and just see what He will do. 

If home is where the heart is...

If “home is where the heart is” then I have many "homes" around the world–California, Michigan, Thailand, wherever World Race V-Squad is...
So I decided to start this blog in order to share some of my heart with those I miss...or I guess more realistically those who miss me. =)


More coming soon...