Learning. [riding the waves of life]

Earlier today I rode my bike out to West Cliff to watch the surf for a little while. 

I was desperately craving the fresh air and exercise--not to mention that for the first time ever I will not be spending the summer by this ocean and I would like to soak up every bit of it that I can.

Upon stopping at a lookout point different from my usual spot, I soon noticed something pretty special.

Down below among the surfers was a man with his small child. 

The small child was on the front of the man's board all geared up in a wet suit with a helmet and life vest.

Now I know many people in this town teach their children to surf at a young age, but something about this father-son duo caught my attention.

I proceeded to watch as waves would come how the dad was teaching his kid.

The dad had the kid crawl out to the nose of the board and as waves would come, the dad would start paddling from the back. His strong arms were obviously all that was needed to propel the board forward into the wave, but he would simultaneously encourage his child excitedly, "Paddle, paddle!" 

I watched them catch a few waves together and after riding each one into shore, I heard an enthusiastic, "Good job!" from the father and then saw a high five as they were paddling out again.

I'm not quite sure why watching this all happen was so meaningful to me, but I found myself crying as I witnessed such a beautiful perfect picture of a father teaching his child.

Knowing God as a perfect father is sometimes hard to grasp given the vast number of far-from-perfect fathers surrounding us here on this earth. Nonetheless, watching that guy teach his kid to surf was so healing for me.

I feel like we often think that when God asks something of us, it's our responsibility to figure it out and accomplish it...on our own. After all, we are "more than conquerors," right? 

Because of this, we tend to get bound up and frozen in fear, not accomplishing much of anything and being miserable through it all.

Yet watching that surfer today reminded me that when God asks something of us, He provides us with protection, tells us exactly what to do, and then comes up behind us to do all the work. 

Then He congratulates us for our accomplishment even though in reality we did nothing and He did everything. 

All we had to do was say yes to the adventure. 

Yes to the protective measures. 

Yes to the surfboard. 

Yes to the waves.

.

The Goal. [pursuing a life of love]

Thinking back on my time in DTS and on outreach, I've concluded that I've never felt more love from a group of strangers than I did from the little children in the Haitian village we went to on outreach. They are so ready to receive love and that love then pours out of their generous hearts back to those who are loving on them.

I realized this is how it is with God. When we allow His love to wash over us every day, we become filled and ready to pour that love back to Him which means pouring it out on those He loves--anyone and everyone around us.
Along these lines, one of my leaders preached a sermon towards the beginning of my time on outreach that is still impacting me to this day.
I've spent a good portion of my life asking for more faith. I've pursued faith--radical faith--continually. Now although faith is a great thing and I do believe God has given me a gift of Faith, I was suddenly challenged and humbled as I listened to my leader preach a simple yet profound message in a very tiny and crowded church in Azua, Dominican Republic.

Why have I spent so much time asking God for more faith and so much less time asking God for more love?
I've heard and read 1 Corinthians 13 more times than I can possibly remember. 1 Corinthians 13. The "LOVE" chapter. You know, the one that says if you don't have love you have nothing? The chapter that says there is nothing greater than love? You know..."Love is patient, love is kind, etc...."
This is not a new passage to most Christians and it certainly was not new to me.
But all of a sudden, it hit me in a new way when I compared it to my pursuit of Faith.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." [1 Corinthians 13:1-3]

Wait, say what??
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom ALL mysteries and ALL knowledge...ALL KNOWLEDGE!! That means I would know EVERYTHING there is to know! And if I have a FAITH that can move MOUNTAINS...isn't that the greatest faith we can imagine?? But even if I have all of that and do not LOVE, I am nothing. NOTHING!!

If this really is true, then shouldn't our prayers every single day be more like...
..."Lord, I need more of your love."
..."Jesus, teach me how to love better."
..."Father, I want to be consumed with your love."

I realized that I do not want to be someone that is characterized by people as just someone of great Faith.
I want to be  known as someone of great Love--someone who embodies the love of Christ.
I want to be remembered not as Hannah Pickens, a Woman of Faith.
I want to be remembered as a woman who gave away her life on behalf of other people.
I want to be so consumed with love that people would look at me and my life and as a result would experience the radical love of Jesus.

So from this point forward, my prayer is no longer just to have more faith, though yes faith is necessary.
But my new prayer is something like this:
 "Jesus, I want to let You love me more so that I can love like You have loved. I want to fulfill Your greatest commandments not as a duty, but as a way of life. Let me experience Your love in a greater capacity every day so that I cannot help but pour out that love to the people around me."

.

Outreach. [4:34 nutshell]

Health. [God's priorities]

Getting sick in Haiti and everything that happened to my team along with the fact that as far as I know I still have cancer in my body led me to really ponder the meaning of health.

Which is a greater priority to God--the state of our physical bodies or the state of our hearts and minds?
In our culture it seems like we value physical comfort far above most other things.
However, my experience has reminded me that the physical state of my body is not what is most important.
When I first was diagnosed with cancer, I and many other people pleaded with God to heal me.
Sitting here a year and a half later still with cancer would make many people think that God has yet to answer our prayers.
He must not be paying attention or want to heal me, right?
I am convinced that this is definitely not the case. Although He has yet to heal my physical body, I know that He has been working on something much bigger and better than I could possibly ask for in my limited perspective.
His way of healing me has been to heal my heart and free me from the anxiety and depression I have walked with for far too long.
He is making me new.
He is setting me free.
He is healing me.
It was in the midst of completing a task out of obedience (DTS) that I learned this.

I was lying on a cot in the middle of the Haitian countryside, sick with a fever that had reached over 102 degrees. The room I had lived in for two weeks was also the home of cockroaches, countless mosquitoes, a family of mice that ate through my stuff, a scorpion that I found on my bed one day, and a family of birds that enjoyed squawking in the wee hours of the morning and making a mess on our beds with their nest building and incontinence. Needless to say, the conditions of my body and my surroundings were less than ideal.

However, I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. As I lay on my cot soaked in a mixture of sweat and the melted ice that was used to cool me down, I found myself filled with  joy like scarcely before. Laughter began to flow and I could not contain myself.
I felt so free and so content.
I was in a place that I had come to love with people I had come to adore, and I had the Spirit of Christ within  me.
Nothing else mattered.
It's a funny thing to think of what it took for me to experience that kind of peace but it's just proof that physical conditions and health are not what are most important.
From where I stand right now, I would do anything out of obedience to God and suffer any amount of physical discomfort and pain in order to feel that kind of freedom deep in my soul.
After all, that's what He promised us, isn't it?
Physical discomfort: "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
Deep and satisfying joy: "...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

Protection. [are we really safe in God's arms?]

For my team, outreach came with a lot of sickness. Amoebas and other parasites wreaked havoc on most of our bodies. Several of my team members ended up in the hospital and we ended up leaving Haiti and returning to the Dominican Republic over two weeks early because of all the health issues.

As challenging and frustrating as the sickness was, God used it to teach me something big.
Psalm 91 has been a Psalm I have clung to for many years, yet at the same time it has caused me to ask a lot of questions.
Protection from harm.
Protection from disaster.
He promised these things to those who love Him and acknowledge His name.
So then why do the terrible things happen?
Why did my team get sick?
Why did I get cancer?
Where is His defense and protection in the midst of things like sickness?

I had been asking God for a long time to show me what it means to be safe in Him even when it doesn't seem like we are.
When Cassie, my leader, got extremely sick the first time and had to go to the hospital, I sat down and asked God what He was saying about the whole situation. This is part of what He said:

"...I always count the cost. If it is greater than the gain I do not allow it. I will always protect. If it was not beneficial I would not allow it because that is not in My character. You do not see all that is at work here so do not jump to any conclusions regarding this sickness.... Fire does not come without refinement."

In that moment that He was speaking to me about what was happening to my leader, I realized that the same was true regarding my own health situation.
His promises are true.
Love always protects.
Jesus always protects.
Even though it seems that something like cancer is harmful, I know that in the long run it is for my benefit, for the benefit of others, and for the Glory of God.

This leads me to my next posting...

HDR. [best team ever]

Here is a video one of my teammates put together introducing our awesome team. I could not ask for a better group to spend the next two months with serving the people of Dominican Republic and Haiti. :)
We are Team HDR: Haiti. Dominican Republic.
Bringing Hope.
Bringing Discipleship.
Bringing Restoration.

Love. [revelation that brings peace]

A while ago, I asked God for a picture of His love that would speak to me in a new way. This is what He said:

"My love is like an ocean--so vast you cannot see the end.
My waves of love are constant and powerful.
There are times when you get hit with bigger waves than others--those are beautiful moments when you find the reality of my love.
Other times, my love is more gentle like when the waves are small.
But even when the waves are small or you are between waves, or when you are sitting on shore, or in the middle past the waves, my love does not change.
In fact it is when you are truly in the center of my love that it doesn't knock you over.
When you pass the waves into open sea, it feels different, but my Love does not change.
Sometimes out of my love, I toss you onto shore so you can stand back and see just how great my love is, but I will always draw you back into my love with another wave.
I want you to spend your life in the middle of the ocean, trusting me to bring the right waves at the right time.
I also want to teach you how to "surf" so that you can ride the waves of my love with joy instead of brokenness--I do not desire to always knock you down and break you with my love.
I want to have fun with you, and I want you to teach others to surf the waves of my love because they are looking for someone to teach them."

Recently, I was feeling really restless and asked God why I felt unsatisfied and frustrated. I sensed Him saying, "Hannah, you are not letting Me love all of you."
At first I didn't know what this meant but over the last week or so He has been so faithful to show me what it means to let Him love me.He is teaching me how to give up control by being completely vulnerable with Him--He wants to love the parts of us that we are ashamed of.
So often I have found myself being vulnerable enough to feel like I was being "honest" with God, but was still holding back my true feelings because I didn't feel like I had a right to feel the way I felt. But God wants us to be 100% honest with Him regardless of what that looks like. In a relationship, vulnerability is key to intimacy. Why do we think it should be any different with our Lord?
It's been so sweet to see the way God continually builds on all of this by speaking the same things to me through people when they pray for me. Saturday night we had an all night worship service here on base and God really used that time to confirm even more the things He has been speaking to me.

P.S. This song is my current favorite/theme song for my life in this season. God is SO GOOD!

P.P.S. I am getting more and more excited to leave for the Dominican Republic and Haiti in a few days.
I cannot wait to share the freedom I have found with the people there.
God has been speaking a lot of vision to our team about what He wants to do on outreach and it's gonna be amazing! I'm SO PUMPED! :D