I originally wasn't really sure why God brought me to Montana for a DTS, but as I began this journey here, I discovered what God is teaching me. He's teaching me how to be. Just BE.
I can't pretend to have fully grasped this concept yet, but little by little God is changing the way I think.
If you know me well, you know I like to get things done and I like to get them done as soon as possible. I have usually for as long as I can remember been far more focused on the end result and moving on to the next task and season of life than the journey to get there. Looking back, I recognize that I have been this way my whole life.
As a baby, I would apparently only nurse for a few minutes at a time.
As a young child, I would sacrifice quality time with my family so I could get in bed early in order to wake up at the crack of dawn. This was so I could get my schoolwork done before breakfast to have the rest of the day to play. (homeschool life.. =P)
Academically, I've been on the fast track my whole life:
First grade started at age 4.
College began at age 15 and graduation was at 20.
From there I planned to attend law school and had it not been for God sending me to YWAM first, I would have presumably been a graduate from law school at age 23.
Crazy, right?!
Now please don't think I am saying all this to brag.
I'm saying this simply to explain the background of how I've lived my life and the focus shift God is working on in me.
I also do not think that being where I am in my life is wrong. I believe my academic abilities and the way I can accomplish things quickly is a giant gift straight from Heaven.
However, my attitude has needed some adjustments.
This is what I've been learning:
Life is never about what we do. It's about how we do it.
The Bible says little about what to do with our lives but more importantly that whatever we do we must do it with thanksgiving in the name of Jesus and for the glory of God. (Colossians 3:17; 1 Corinthians 10:31)
The more I understand this and put it into practice, the more peace I experience.
Furthermore, I've been continually challenged recently to ask myself my motivation for my choices.
Am I making my decisions out of faith? Or out of fear?
The same thing can be done from either point of view, so God has been gently showing me that whatever I choose, He wants me to walk in faith not fear. For righteousness comes through Faith rather than from what we do. (Romans 3:22)
So as I continue on in life, I am slowly learning to react to everything that comes my way with this:
"Thank you Jesus. I trust You."
It's been quite interesting to realize how little I trust Him when I start approaching life honestly. I think we often disguise fear as trust or cover up our insecurities by claiming to trust God.
But if it is not bringing peace or internal security, is it really trust?
Is it true faith?
If we truly believe that God is God and God is sovereign and that God is Love, then fear will leave.
So if there is still fear present, it simply is showing us that our dependency is not fully on the God of Love and our heart needs new revelation of His love.
Fear is not something to be condemned for those who are in Christ. Rather, fear, along with other sins, is part of the compass God has set in place to show us where our hearts are at. If we find ourselves desiring sinful things or we are walking in fear, this simply reveals a disconnect with the Father and shows us that we need to experience more of His love in our hearts and minds.
Again, all of this is a process, and there is much more I could say, but I wanted to share at least briefly some of the ways that God is working on re-wiring my brain while I'm here at YWAM.
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